Boundaries: Use the Force???

Over time, both in my personal and professional kink-related lives, people have expressed disappointment, regret, and even anger that I didn’t “force” them to do something I was explicitly asked to not do.  This has led to relationships ending… or never fully starting.  This has led to fights that never had to happen.  This has led to frustration.

It all boils down to communication and respect, as well as understanding the difference between fantasy and reality.

What most people want is a fun feeling of helplessness and freedom from responsibility… They don’t want someone to cross an actual boundary, but they also don’t want to ask, because they’re embarrassed, or because then it’s not real to them.

Some people can effectively communicate this within a scene, by playfully imitating Brer Rabbit, only instead of begging not to be thrown into a briar patch, it’s about their fetish:  “Oh please, Mistress, the most terrible thing in the world would be to make me sniff your shoes!  I don’t know what I’d do if you made me sniff your black stilettos, red patent platforms, well-worn flip-flops, or even a dirty pair of gym socks.  Oh, I’d just be so humiliated!”

I strongly prefer it when people let me know in advance, that they enjoy fantasy coercion, force, blackmail, roleplaying that crosses cultural taboos, or other things that would be completely unethical if done for real, rather than play.  They let me know what their actual hard limits are, along with pretend boundaries, and areas where they want their limits tested.  This is very beneficial to planning, getting in the right headspace, as well as knowing where things can (and can’t) be safely steered, so everyone can relax and enjoy the experience.

Expecting a Dom/me to read your mind is a very, very dangerous thing… and not fun, play dangerous.  Some people don’t even consider or care about that, because the desire for an unexplored fantasy has grown so intense, they only want relief at any physical or emotional cost.  But let’s look at this from a different perspective: If you convince someone that you have a hard boundary… what are they odds that they’ll ignore it?  What are the odds that you’ll never see your fantasy become reality?  What are the odds that Dom/me will ever see you again, if they feel you’re not stable or mature enough to know and communicate where your real boundaries actually are?