Boundaries: Use the Force???

Over time, both in my personal and professional kink-related lives, people have expressed disappointment, regret, and even anger that I didn’t “force” them to do something I was explicitly asked to not do.  This has led to relationships ending… or never fully starting.  This has led to fights that never had to happen.  This has led to frustration.

It all boils down to communication and respect, as well as understanding the difference between fantasy and reality.

What most people want is a fun feeling of helplessness and freedom from responsibility… They don’t want someone to cross an actual boundary, but they also don’t want to ask, because they’re embarrassed, or because then it’s not real to them.

Some people can effectively communicate this within a scene, by playfully imitating Brer Rabbit, only instead of begging not to be thrown into a briar patch, it’s about their fetish:  “Oh please, Mistress, the most terrible thing in the world would be to make me sniff your shoes!  I don’t know what I’d do if you made me sniff your black stilettos, red patent platforms, well-worn flip-flops, or even a dirty pair of gym socks.  Oh, I’d just be so humiliated!”

I strongly prefer it when people let me know in advance, that they enjoy fantasy coercion, force, blackmail, roleplaying that crosses cultural taboos, or other things that would be completely unethical if done for real, rather than play.  They let me know what their actual hard limits are, along with pretend boundaries, and areas where they want their limits tested.  This is very beneficial to planning, getting in the right headspace, as well as knowing where things can (and can’t) be safely steered, so everyone can relax and enjoy the experience.

Expecting a Dom/me to read your mind is a very, very dangerous thing… and not fun, play dangerous.  Some people don’t even consider or care about that, because the desire for an unexplored fantasy has grown so intense, they only want relief at any physical or emotional cost.  But let’s look at this from a different perspective: If you convince someone that you have a hard boundary… what are they odds that they’ll ignore it?  What are the odds that you’ll never see your fantasy become reality?  What are the odds that Dom/me will ever see you again, if they feel you’re not stable or mature enough to know and communicate where your real boundaries actually are?

4 thoughts on “Boundaries: Use the Force???”

  1. Since the D/s relationship is predominantly an interaction in the psychological domain, from my own personal experience in the D/s realm over the years, both as a top and a bottom, it’s imperative that the session leave ALL players enriched from the experience. To that end, I have always adopted a hard limit in the language of Dominance. Chide or scold or tease the behavior or the kink to bring it to full presence in a session, embarrass and humiliate that kink itself to bring it to the fore as appropriate. use the body’s own reactions to enhance the submission, but NEVER, EVER degrade the Human Being underneath the role. For example, it’s wonderful that you scold me for my lack of self-control or a naughty perversion or a kinky desire or an ‘involuntary arousal’ in response to a fetish stimulus, and you can even raise the humiliation stakes to a high level to enhance that arousal and edginess of the scene, but NEVER NEVER degrade the underlying dignity of the human BEING. The bottom/sub is NEVER lower than life, a ‘piece of dirt’ or any of those other derogatory terms that are often heard in the scene which I don’t even want to repeat in this venue. Power Exchange is about the celebration and honoring of the wonderful range of the edges of our human expression which should happen in a safe and trusting environment — it must NEVER become something that leaves any participant feeling less respectful of themself when it’s over. Over the years, I’ve found many bottoms asking to be subjugated to extreme levels beyond my hard limit here. At that point, it’s really just time to wind a scene down and bring them back to a place of empathy, love and care and dignity.

    1. Thank you for the lovely comment and all of the thought that went into it.

      When it comes to verbal teasing, embarrassment, humiliation, and degradation, individual limits and desires vary. Would I call someone a worthless loser, or would I tell someone s/he is less than the dirt beneath my feet? Yes, but ONLY if that’s their fetish, and if it seems to me that they’ve solidly compartmentalized fetish versus real life. I do not wish to cause psychological trauma, but to safely guide people in their journeys.

  2. You write, “Over time, both in my personal and professional kink-related lives, people have expressed disappointment, regret, and even anger that I didn’t ‘force’ them to do something I was explicitly asked to not do. ”

    I could be wrong, but it seems that there are some options you (or other dommes) might wish to consider that would make it possible and reasonable for some of your clients, subs and friends to enjoy some force, without it being an ethical problem for you or creating a psychological trauma for others.

    The comments made by some dommes on their sites, or about them in reviews, or comments made by them in certain forums suggest that a variety of them include a variety of the following in their practice:

    One) state up front on your website somewhere that your 1st or 2nd or subsequent visitors are expected to “whatever”–unless they have made specific and clear requests otherwise. Let the whatever be something simple such as golden shower or open mouth golden shower or wearing panties or something relatively basic.

    OneA) For a lot of your clients, include some golden showers without their asking, after having caned or whipped them.

    Two) consider including some short hypnosis time on the 1st or 2nd session, for the purpose of the guy’s revealing what he might hope or expect you to use force on him for or use more force for;
    Three) At the beginning of some sessions, get consent to cane or whip the guy for an hour . . . and then, partway through the hour, suggest an alternative that he has not liked and see how he reacts;
    Four) after a session that is more agreed upon, suggest that for the next session you folks have together, you wish to either 1) he will do ABC; or 2) you will cane him till he is crying and screaming. Let him decide between now and the next session which he wishes it to be . . .

    As someone who has read the websites of several dozen dommes, I would say that there are several in which the domme says, “I will make you ‘abc’,” and several that indicate her enjoyment or love of making you “abc” without saying directly, “I will make you.”

    1. I do variations of those types of things, based on each individual, because it’s fun for Me. If someone is new, or new to Me, I am quite cautious. If someone has a limited area of their fetish, I am not going to run off a perfectly good pantyhose fetishist or ADB simply because they don’t enjoy brutal CP. I enjoy being very forceful, and have the strength to manhandle an average-sized man, but this post was about something specific.

      How often to you see Pro-Dommes? Try telling the next five that you have a hard limit of blindfolds and gags, that it even includes gentler versions of those, such as panties or sheer scarves. Tell them that you are done if they use either, that it’s an absolute, non-negotiable limit, not a boundary that can be stretched, but a serious hard limit. After the sessions, complain that they didn’t force you. Tell them that you saw a movie on xhamster and know that everyone legit could have forced you to do it. Then write back to Me with your experiences to their reactions. Do it.

      What I am referring to more is the attitude of male subs who’ve seen little real life play, or perhaps a great amount with one person they knew well, and they expect mindreading to occur when they do things like call a safeword or state something is a hard limit. This says to Me that they were not yet equipped to handle it.

      The problem: People watch porn and think it’s real. They get angry that it isn’t. They believe that anyone real will read their minds enough to ignore stated lines of consent. There is a difference between being an intensely persuasive Domina, and being a criminal rapist or abuser.

      “One) state up front on your website somewhere that your 1st or 2nd or subsequent visitors are expected to “whatever”–unless they have made specific and clear requests otherwise. Let the whatever be something simple such as golden shower or open mouth golden shower or wearing panties or something relatively basic. ”

      This is actually not a bad suggestion.

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